Nobody's Home
by WonderstruckEnchanted
Summary: Alana is putting herself through hell, because she considers herself a failure. She believes that she must be perfect in every way to become a successful actress. Will Logan manage to save her from herself? Or, will she forever be broken inside?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is an idea for a new story. Tell me what you think of it. Okay, so this story has also gone through a title change three times before I found 'Nobody's Home' by Avril Lavigne on my iPod and, well…now it's a story inspired by the song. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, or anything affiliated. I only own the plot and any OCs that are in the story.**

**WARNING: May be triggering.**

Alana's life had never been perfect. Although many people would die to enjoy the comfortable life she had at the Palm Woods. She never felt like she belonged. Ever since she could remember, she wanted to be n actress. At thirteen she'd even managed to persuade her mother to agree to move out to LA, just to achieve her dream. She had wasted her time in LA trying to make it. She'd appeared in several adverts, had a minor role in several TV shows, and a couple of cameo roles in various music videos. Now at seventeen nearly everyone else at the Palm Woods had achieved more than herself, even those who had arrived long after her.

She felt like giving up more often than not, but she stayed in LA so she wouldn't lose her closest friends, the boys of BTR. Especially after her best friend Christina had taken up a movie offer in New York and had been filming for the past 2 months. She felt blessed to have such good friends who looked beyond her flaws. She knew she wasn't perfect, she had always felt far from it. Sometimes when she was alone she would cry to herself, she felt it was the only way to express her feelings.

She desperately wanted to talk to someone about how she felt, but after being rejected so many times since the age of thirteen she was afraid to tell anyone. She had learnt to deal with rejection from perfect strangers, but being rejected by her friends and family utterly terrified her. She felt that no one would want to listen to her problems, but whenever she was around them she felt like telling them everything.

Her recent emotions weren't just and failure, but love. She was in love with one of her best friends Logan Mitchell. He was everything she'd ever wanted. He was funny, trustworthy, smart, romantic, considerate and _extremely_ handsome. Whenever she'd been having a terrible day she would spend her time with him, and then she'd feel a tiny bit stronger. He was her rock, he kept her holding on, and she felt that if she ever left him, she would die.

She felt like a failure, she was in love with her best friend, and she hardly had anything to show for her time in LA. She didn't even feel herself anymore. She would shy away from spending time with anyone but the boys, and would sometimes even refuse to spend a day with them when she was feeling especially bad. She knew she was depressed, but she just didn't want to admit it. Her years before LA seemed like a dream to her, like it never truly existed. The consistent pressure to be perfect had changed into someone she didn't recognize.

"You have just got to relax," came the soothing, calm voice of Christina Lawrence from the speakers of the laptop that sat on her bed. "You know…I could get my agent to call someone for you."

"I really appreciate but, I want to get the roles because I deserve them, and because the directors, producers, casting agents and all those other _stupid _people recognize that I am the _best_ person for the role!" Alana let out a huff of air in indignation.

Christina smiled. "Rejection?"

Alana sighed dejectedly. "As usual. My mom probably won't let me stay in LA for much longer. Then what will I do? I need to get my big break and prove to my mom that moving out here was the right decision."

Understanding, Christina nodded with support. "Well, it is a tough business. Don't worry too much though, this movie is my big break, and I arrived at the Palm Woods not long after you. Plus I'm sure that you'll nail your next audition, you've got to. You're an _amazing_ actress." Alana couldn't help but smile back at her friend's encouraging words. _I've already said them to myself at least a thousand times_.

"Thanks, Christina, you're the best."

"I try." Christina looked over her shoulder and nodded at something Alana couldn't see. "Hey, my break is about to end, so I've got to get back to set," she said sadly.

"You have fun. Do great, movie star." Christina smiled and waved before the screen went blank. Alana sighed and shut the laptop with a snap.

"I'm home." Alana's mother called a greeting from the door.

"Hey, Mom." Alana called out.

"Did you get a call back from that audition?" she asked, putting her head through Alana's bedroom door.

She felt herself flush. "No, Mom," she admitted. "But I've got another audition next week."

"I'm sorry, honey, I know how much you wanted the role."

"Like all the others I didn't get." She pushed pass and grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter. She turned it over and over in her hands, staring at it instead of her mother. "Plus, if that doesn't work out, pilot filming season is just around the corner…"

"Honey, you know how much I support you trying to become an actress…but you haven't been getting any roles lately. You spend so much time on practicing for auditions, rather than studying for school. I don't want your grades to go down. Luckily they're all 'As' at the moment."

"I always get great grades, Mom," Alana objected, a little insulted. "That's not even the problem!"

"I know, I know," her mom conceded. "I just don't want you to miss out on anything in life because you've been chasing after a career, rather than going to school like a normal teenager. It wouldn't be fair on you if this ends up not working out, and you miss out on important things in life."

"I know, Mom," Alana sighed.

"I want you to do well Alana, but you need to land a role soon, not a cameo, music video or an advert. Otherwise you will have to go back and complete high school in an actual school, and then go to college. You can try and achieve you dream during college but, as long as you stay focused on your school work."

"But Mom, that's not fair," Alana objected, "Sometimes it can take years to become successful in this industry, at the moment I'm in my prime—"

"You told me this when you were thirteen and convinced me to relocate out here. At the time, it was probably the best decision. We both needed to get out of Chicago…" she trailed off. "But now it's different," she continued. "You're grown up. I don't think being friends with celebrities is what you need."

"What do you mean?" Alana questioned. "What's wrong with my friends?"

"Alana, your best friend is in New York filming a teen movie, your other friends are in a boy band, and that girl Lucy isn't quite ideal. You spend your time lying by a pool, going to several concerts and whenever you go out with your friends you're constantly getting your picture taken by paparazzi, and not because it's you that's famous. Alana, I brought you out here to be an actress."

Alana was shocked. "But that's what I want to be! I always have, you know that! I want to be known as an actress, and not the best friend of Christina Lawrence."

"Honey, I'm giving you one more year to prove to me that I made the right decision. I don't to have to regret this one day." her mother sighed. "Focus on your career, try and land a main role this time. Try to get your big break; you deserve it after several years." She smiled and headed to her bedroom, ending the conversation. Alana stood there for a moment, annoyed, and then quickly moved herself to her bedroom where she could be angry by herself.

She paced back and forth in front of her bed quickly for a few seconds before she went out on to her balcony for some fresh air. The sun was just going down. She looked out over the railing down at the pool. Guitar Dude was by one of the fire pits with a few of his friends, and then the Jennifers were immediately beneath her, gossiping about something or other. Resting her elbows on the edge of the railing, Alana tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and sighed.

"Have you seen the pictures of Big Time Rush in the latest edition of Parade?" Alana's ears perked up at the sound of Big Time Rush. She looked down and saw that it was Curly-haired Jennifer, talking to her fellows. The other two nodded enthusiastically.

_I shouldn't eavesdrop, I shouldn't eavesdrop_…Alana repeated in her mind, trying to convince herself that listening to their conversation was wrong. She tried to ignore them, but with them right below her, talking loudly, it was proving difficult_._

Blonde Jennifer giggled and fanned herself with the magazine she was holding. "Those boys are seriously fine. Now that they're famous, I might just let them ask me out on a date."

"Well not Logan," Curly-haired Jennifer reminded her, sounding annoyed. "He's always hanging out with Alana, it's like they're going out or something."

Brunette Jennifer snorted. "Unlikely. She sure does like him though, have you seen the way she looks at him? Like a love sick puppy."

Blonde Jennifer laughed. "You're probably right. I've hardly ever seen him without her, especially after Christina left."

"Why does she even bother?" Brunette Jennifer mused, taking a sip of water that she had by her side. "I mean, she's got next to no talent, as shown by her lack of roles, and she's…well…"

"Go on, say it!" Curly-haired Jennifer encouraged, while Blonde Jennifer giggled knowingly.

"Well she's not the skinniest girl around, is she?" Brunette Jennifer finally said, with a sly smile on her face. Alana felt her mouth open slowly in shock and her cheeks heated up as they turned bright red.

"I'll say," Blonde Jennifer agreed. "Did you see her in that episode of New Town High? Her thighs look _horrible_, not to mention her arms! We should call her _Fat_-lana instead." The three spiteful girls laughed hysterically as Alana slowly backed away from the railing. She reached behind her and opened the door.

"Well, as soon as she finally gets over Logan, I'll be waiting for him," was the last thing she heard before she shut the door. She turned and faced the inside of her room, pressing her back against the door and sliding down it.

"Really?" She whispered to herself. She straightened out her legs and stretched her arms out in front her herself, and looked closely at them. Despite all of her other insecurities, she had never before even remotely thought about whether or not she was fat. But now, looking at herself, it was practically all she could see. Fat dripping from every surface.

_No wonder I haven't been getting any roles_…she realized. _No one wants to hire the fat girl. Well, except to _play_ a fat girl._ Alana shook her head violently, her hair swinging back and forth. _I won't play a fat girl. I won't do it._ _There's no way I can go to an audition looking like this. A fat blob, ugh, not acceptable. Nobody will see my arm flab. Mark my words. _Alana was positive that none of her weight was muscle, as she didn't do any sports. _That meant I was all fat, complete and total fat._ _How had I even been able to live with myself?_

_"Who would ever want to waste their time on you?"A small, spiteful voice questioned._

_No one, I'm too disgusting._

_"That's right, no one wants to hire a fat, disgusting girl like you."_

She could feel tears stinging in her eyes, and angrily brushed them away. She took one look at the apple in her hand and threw it away from her, making it into the waste basket by her bed. It fell in with a loud thud.

**Do you like it? I hope so. :) The romance will appear a little later on, but for the moment I'm focusing on her developing eating disorder. Reviews are much appreciated. :)**

**WonderstruckEnchanted**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, or anything affiliated. **

**WARNING: May be triggering.**

Alana woke up the next morning, her stomach rumbling. She immediately cursed herself for already being so hungry; skipping dinner shouldn't have been that big of a deal. Sighing, she stood up slowly, and then started to get ready for the day.

"Alana!" My mom shouted from the kitchen. "I'm making waffles!"

Alana groaned softly. Waffles sounded great, but they were totally not an option. She couldn't let herself get even fatter than she was now. "No thanks, Mom! I have to practice an audition…with Lucy!" She called back quickly. Alana grabbed the script and went out of her room. Once seeing the waffles on the kitchen counter-top, her willpower lessened slightly.

_"You can't even look at food with wanting to eat it. That's why you're fat, you eat everything in sight."_

_But I'm hungry!_

_"No, you're pathetic. You can't even skip one meal. You're such a fatass. You should be disgusted by yourself."_

She tried to sneak out the apartment before her mom noticed, but she was stopped.

"Alana Holden!" My mom yelled. "You need to eat breakfast!"

"But Mom, I have to practice for my audition."

"Alana, you need to eat your breakfast." Her mom said sternly.

"Okay, I'll meet up with Lucy later." She sat down at the table and stared at the plate of waffles in front of her. The prospect of eating so much scared her sick to her stomach. "Mom, this is too much."

"I only gave you three, the same as usual."

"I'm not that hungry, I only want one."

"How can you not be hungry? You didn't even eat dinner last night."

"It doesn't matter. I'll eat them."

_"Do want to get even fatter than you already are?"_

_No, but my mom will get suspicious._

_"Then lie better."_

After half an hour, her mom had washed her dishes and left for work. As soon as the door had closed behind her mom, she threw the other two waffles into the bin. Her stomach felt stretched out and bloated.

_"Look at you, living up to your reputation as a fatass. You're weak."_

Alana ran to the bathroom and held her head over the toilet.

_"That's right, throw it all up. Maybe then you'll be fat instead of totally obese."_

Her fingers shook as she shoved them towards the back of her throat. Tears pricked the corners of Alana's eyes and soon all the color had rushed to her face. Veins protruded from her neck as she heaved the contents of her stomach into the toilet in front of her.

_"God, you're pathetic. You don't deserve to be alive. No one likes a fatass. I can't even bear to look at you."_

Alana slowly stood up and looked at herself in the mirror. _I looked awful, and ugly._

_"You're disgusting. The Jennifers were right. Logan will never like you, you're ugly and fat. No boy wants to date a fat and ugly girl."_

She ran to her bedroom and cried openly. Not long after, she heard someone knock the door. Hastily drying her eyes, she went to open the door. "Hey, Logan." She turned away and sat down on the sofa.

"You seem sad. Are you okay?" He asked, sitting next to her.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not, you've been crying."

"I have not," she objected, turning away from him.

"Your eyes are red. What's wrong?"

"I…it's just that I haven't landed a role yet." She lied.

"You're a wonderful actress, and if the producers and directors don't realize that, then it's their loss."

"Thanks Logan. You're a great friend."

"Thanks. Okay, so what do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"Okay, so we'll do what we always do, when we don't know what to do."

"Which is?"

"We bake something."

"I don't want to, plus I just ate."

"Too bad." He dragged her to the kitchen.

"Logaaaaan." Alana whines. "Do we have to bake something?"

"_Yes,_ especially because the last time you wanted to bake something and I didn't, you wouldn't shut up about wanting cupcakes. So we're making cupcakes, because I want you to be happy. That okay?" Logan shoots a look in Alana's direction.

"No, I'm tired. I just want to watch a movie, okay? Do you even know what you're doing? No recipe or anything?"

"I'm making your favorite. I know how to make your favorite cake."

"Of course you do," Alana let out a short laugh.

"Can you go to the fridge and get 2 sticks of butter, 4 eggs, and the milk? Grab a few bowls too, and the measuring bowls."

Once Logan had the flour, self rising _and_ all purpose, sugar, milk, and vanilla measured, Alana decided it was time to have a little fun. She took a pinch of flour and flicked it at her best friend.

"What are you doing, Ally?" Logan exclaims, but Alana just proceeded to repeat what she had just done, only this time with more flour in her hand. To say there was some flour in Logan's hair was an understatement. Logan wouldn't let Alana win this. Grinning, he picked up an egg from the counter, and cracked it on her head.

"You did not…" Logan smirked at her. Alana took an entire cup of sugar and poured the whole thing over Logan. The butter on the counter was soft, so Logan dug his finger into it, and wiped the butter down her nose. Alana took an egg and broke it over Logan's head, giggling as the yolk ran down Logan's cheek.

"Are you done now?"

"Wait…" Alana found a full cup of flour and dumps it all over Logan, "I'm done now."

"You're not getting the last word here," Logan took the last full cup of flour and poured it all over her. For the next ten minutes, the two continued to toss flour and sugar at each other until they were both completely covered in white powder and egg.

"We're not going to make cupcakes, are we?" Alana smirked, and flicked a little more sugar at Logan.

"I'm going to have a shower, while you clean up." She walked out of the kitchen, to the bathroom.

"You can't just leave me to clean up all by myself!" He shouted.

"Watch me!" She called back.

Fifteen minutes later Alana was out of the bathroom. "Why are you on the floor?" She asked as soon as she entered the kitchen.

"I didn't want to mess up your couch."

"Okay."

"I would stay, but I have to change and Gustavo wants us at the studio." Logan said, getting up from the floor.

"It's okay. I have to practice for an audition."

"You can come if you want."

"No, it's fine."

"Alright, I'll see you later." He opened his arms, indicating a hug.

"Sorry Loges, I'm not hugging you when you're like that."

"Okay, see you later." He kissed her cheek before going back to 2J.

_"It's a good thing you didn't go with Logan. No one wants to see your fat arse."_

Alana brushed away the tears that threatened to fall.

_"You're pathetic. I don't know how your friends stand to be around you."_

Her stomach growled for the second time that day. She went to sit on the couch and watch a movie, to distract herself from eating something. Sometime throughout the movie she fell asleep. Hours later her mother came home to find her still asleep. Her mother left her to sleep while she cooked dinner. Not long afterwards Alana woke up, due to the smell created by the food.

"Hey, Mom," she said tiredly.

"Oh, you're finally awake. I'm making your favorite for dinner."

"I'm fine thanks. Logan and I made a load of cupcakes earlier, so I'm totally full."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I don't want to eat too much."

"Okay then, how did your practice with Lucy go?"

"She had to go to the studio early, so she had to cancel."

"Well, I suggest you practice now then."

"Okay, I'll be in my room if you need me."

The hunger had been eating away at her for the entire afternoon. She congratulated herself for managing to skip lunch, by preventing Logan to bake the cupcakes, and skipping dinner by convincing her mom that she was full. But, now the feeling of hunger in her stomach was literally eating away at her. As if that wasn't enough, she had a massive headache, and felt as if she was on the brink of losing consciousness. It was impossible to concentrate. Skipping three meals in a row probably did that to you.

But the feeling of being empty was so…rewarding. She actually felt pretty, and thin. There were no calories in her to cause her to gain weight, and she felt fantastic, aside from the total wooziness.

She tried to focus on her script, but she found it extremely difficult. As hard as she tried she couldn't keep her mind off her empty stomach, and the pounding headache.

_Maybe I should eat something._

_"If you eat, you gain calories, and if you gain calories, you get fat."_

_But if I don't eat, I'll faint. If faint and my mom finds me, she'll take me to hospital and they'll force me to eat._

_"Fine, eat something, but it better be small."_

Alana peered out of her room, looking for her mom. Seeing that she wasn't in the kitchen, she ran to the kitchen and grabbed an orange. Alana stared hungrily at the orange. She went back to her room. Despite her immense hunger, it took her forever to eat it.

_"You better not eat any more than that tomorrow. We don't you getting fat, but we don't want anyone to find out about our little secret."_

_I won't, I don't want to stay fat._

_"Good girl."_

**Sorry it's a bit short but, I hope you liked it. :) Please review, it would mean a lot. :)**

******WonderstruckEnchanted**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, or anything affiliated. **

**WARNING:**** May be triggering.**

Alana woke up the next morning, glancing at the clock; she found that she had only slept for four hours: it was 5:30 in the morning. She rolled over in her bed and slowly pinched her stomach. _Disgusting._

She forced herself to take a shower and get dressed. She stood in front of the mirror in her room and stared at her body.

_"Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd finally kill yourself, and rid the world of another ugly sight to see."_

"Shut up," she whispered. She pulled out the weighing scales from underneath her bed. She stared at it, before placing one foot on it.

_"Don't you want to know how much you weigh?"_

_I… I'm not sure._

_"Oh, please. You do want to know, and you know it. You're just afraid of being obese."_

She gulped and placed her other foot on the scale. Taking a deep breath she looked down, 8 stone and 5 pounds.

_"You need to lose weight. You're too fat." _She squeezed her eyes shut, preventing the impending tears from falling. _"You're pathetic, you can't take criticism."_ Alana stepped of the scales and shoved them back underneath her bed. She grabbed an orange from the kitchen, and stuffed it into her bag among her school books, and scripts. Alana glanced at her clock again, this time it read 6:45am.

"Alana." she heard her mom call out. "Do you want me to make your breakfast?"

"No, it's okay. I'll make my own," she replied walking to the kitchen.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'll just have cereal."

Alana, poured some of the milk down the sink and, threw two handfuls of cereal into the bin, to give the impression that she had eaten breakfast. Her stomach growled at the sight of food, but she ignored it. Although, her stomach felt empty from not eating enough the day before, she felt proud of herself. She had managed to eat a little food, and if she continued, she would lose weight soon enough.

Alana, grabbed a packet of chewing gum, and chewed on a piece to distract her from her aching stomach. Plus if she chewed on the gum for a whole hour, she'd lose eleven pounds. She had just put her bag on her shoulder, when there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it Mom!" she called out to her mother, before opening the door, "Hey, Lucy."

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah. Mom, I'm going to school now," she cried. "Okay, let's go."

Alana's last class of the day was gym. She had somehow, managed to get through the entire morning and lunchtime only eating the apple from her bag, and just a few sips from her water bottle. The last thing she wanted to do was exercise. She felt slow, sluggish, her head was pounding and her stomach was literally empty.

"Alright class! I want to see all of you run as fast as you can out here! And remember, the winning team gets a free pizza party!" Ms. Collins' overzealous smile was really starting to get to Alana. Oh, stupid Palmwoods gym class.

Alana inwardly groaned at the prospect of running, which was the last thing she wanted to do at the moment. But thinking it over she realized that if she ran fast enough, she that would surely burn off tons of calories.

Ms. Collins blew the whistle, and she saw Kendall and Logan start sprinting as fast as they could, with one of the Jennifers casually walking and texting along the track instead of racing, of course she would do that.

Alana saw Logan inch ahead of Kendall, then pass it off to the girl ahead of him, who took off. She bounced on her heels; she was the final leg of the 200-meter race. Alana jogged in place, feeling adrenaline pump through her veins. She felt oddly light and quick, as if she could do anything in the world, despite not eating almost anything for almost a whole day.

Lucy ran up to her and passed the baton over. Glancing to her right, she saw Brunette Jennifer running beside her. Words Jennifer had said only two days ago ran through her mind. Determination ran through her, and she ran. _I would show her._ She was fast, faster than she had ever been before. She pumped her legs harder and harder. _I was beating everyone!_ In a rush, Alana sprinted over the finish line, yards ahead of both the other teams.

As soon as she stopped, however, she knew that something was terribly wrong. The sunlight seemed much too bright, and the surrounding grass was a stunning luminous green. She saw black dots start to face into her line of sight. Alana knelt down, clutching her chest. _Why couldn't I breathe? What was wrong with me?_

"Alana!" Logan was beside her in an instant. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

_What was wrong with me? I just wanted to be pretty._

"Alana, talk to me! Alana! Oh my god, she's going to pass out. Ms. Collins!"

Alana felt more people come beside her.

"I'm fine!" She managed to choke out. "Just - go!" She gulped in air and my vision began to clear.

"Did she have an asthma attack?" "Is she okay?" "I think she might faint." "Someone call 911!"

Alana looked up to see Logan frowning. "It wasn't asthma," he said. "I've seen this happen to people with very low blood sugar, but she doesn't have any metabolism problems, so I don't know what happened?" Logan's brow was furrowed.

"I'm fine!" I said. "I don't need any help. Let's just go inside."

Logan was looking at me with concern. "Are you sure, Alana? We can take you to the hospital if you need it."

"I'm _fine_, seriously. I guess I just pushed myself a bit too hard, while I was running."

Logan looked at her for a long time. "Are you sure?"

"Of course, just leave it. Okay?"

"Okay," he replied somewhat reluctantly.

"Okay, class, why don't you go and get changed!" Ms. Collins said breaking the silence.

Alana knew Logan would be keeping a close eye on her now. He was always so overprotective.

_"Better be careful, honey. We don't was anyone to stop you from being pretty. Remember, no one likes a fatass, not even Logan. Especially Logan."_

Logan could tell that something was up with Alana, he just didn't know what and it frustrated him. What had happened had really scared him, and he didn't want his best friend to get hurt. She meant everything to him, and if anything happened to her, he would blame himself for not being a good enough best friend. Logan knew for sure that he would be keeping a closer watch on her now. Something was wrong, and he intended to find out.

Lucy was waiting outside the changing rooms for Alana, but she walked right pass her. Lucy ran to catch up with her. "Hey, Alana!"

"Oh, hey Lucy. What's up?" Alana responded, turning to face her.

"Our team won."

"Yeah… I know."

"Aren't you coming to the pizza party?" Lucy asked, confused.

"Oh, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Umm… I have homework to do and, I have to rehearse for my audition."

"It will probably only last two hours. You'll have enough time for homework and rehearsal."

"Well…"

"We'll have loads of fun. Come on." Lucy grabbed her hand, dragging her towards a car. "James and Logan are waiting for us."

_"You're weak, you know that right?"_

_Leave me alone._

_"I'm the only one you can help you. You wouldn't me to go, would you?"_

_I don't need you, and I'm not weak!_

_"Then why are you going to a pizza party? If you were strong you'd be in your apartment, not on your way to eat calories, and get fat."_

_…_

_"You know I'm right. You need me; you just don't want to admit it."_

_What do I do?_

_"Eat but as soon as you're finished, purge. That way, it's like you never ate."_

"Alana," Lucy said waving her hand in Alana's face.

"Huh?"

"We're here."

"Oh, cool."

They ordered two pizzas to share between themselves. Once Alana had seen the two trays of pizza making way to their table, her stomach growled in anticipation, causing the others to laugh.

"Someone is hungry," James commented.

"Yeah, I guess," she responded.

The two boys finished their pizza long before Alana and Lucy had finished their respective halves. Alana had only eaten two and a half of her five slices, before leaning back in her chair. James eyed her remaining slices before asking her, "Are you finished?"

"Yeah, I'm full."

"Can I have the rest of your half?"

"Sure, I'm going to the bathroom," she said getting up from her seat.

Alana went to the disabled toilet, to make sure that no one would hear what she was about to do. She put her hair up and hung her head over the toilet.

_"Turn on the tap."_

_Why?_

_"If someone walks past they'll only hear running water."_

Alana turned on both taps, and went back to her previous position. She pushed her fingers down her throat, and the color rushed to her face. Just as she was about to throw up someone knocked on the door, causing her to jump in surprise.

"Alana, you've been in there for a while. Are you okay?" She heard Logan asked.

"Course, I'm coming out now."

"Okay."

Alana muttered obscenities under her breath, while turning off the tap. She opened the door, to find Logan standing there.

"Are you sure you're okay? Especially after earlier," Logan asked.

"I'm fine Logan, you worry too much."

"Okay, Lucy and James are waiting for us in the car."

"I had fun today," she said climbing into the car.

"Me too," he responded sitting beside her.

James insisted on walking Lucy back to her apartment, leaving Logan and Alana in the Palmwoods lobby.

"Walk me to my apartment?"

"Sure," Logan said smiling at her. "Can I ask you something?" he asked as they stepped into the elevator.

"Of course, anything."

"Well… I was wondering if…"

"If, what?"

"You know it doesn't matter."

"What is it?"

"It's not important."

"Okay then. Thanks for walking me to my apartment."

"Welcome, night."

"Night," Alana said closing her door behind her.

_"You didn't throw up."_

_I know, I was interrupted._

_"That's no excuse. Any determined person would've done it. I guess you just want to get fat."_

_I do _not_._

_"Whatever you say."_

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I'll try and get the next chapter up sooner. Please review, as cliché as it sounds, it is a motivator. :)**

**WonderstruckEnchanted**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, or anything affiliated. **

**WARNING: May be triggering.**

For Alana, the past two weeks had literally been hell. She literally had no energy, her skin was deathly pale, and she felt extremely weak and tired. Her school bag seemed to get heavier every day, despite her not having anything extra inside. She spent almost all of her free time from school and auditions standing in front of her bedroom mirror, analyzing and criticizing her body. She had only been living on an apple for each meal, bottles of water, and the occasional cup of green tea. She was positive that her friends and family had begun to suspect that something was up. The fact that she had begun to only wearing dark, baggy clothes wasn't doing anything to lower the number of suspicious glances she was receiving from her peers.

But she was losing weight.

She could see her ribs clearly through her skin, but they weren't as defined as she would have liked. Her thighs would still rub together when she walked, but only just. Her arms were as thin as sticks, but not as thin as twigs. She was still nowhere near to where she would have liked to be.

_But I still had time, and now I had more motivation._

What was really motivating her was the fact that she was started to really take notice of how guys like skinny girls. Just last week, Alana had noticed Logan and Carlos checking Blonde Jennifer out after school. _Oh god, Jennifer was so skinny. I would kill for that body._ No, she was already killing herself for that body. Jennifer had totally known that the two boys were checking her out. When she passed by Alana as she was walking through the Palmwoods lobby, they had had a small conversation, one that had angered her beyond speech:

"Hey there, Fat-," Blonde Jennifer began to say, before Curly-haired Jennifer nudged her. "Hey there, _Alana_, I noticed you're on a diet. Shame it hasn't been working, that's too bad."

Alana stayed totally silent; her words were hitting her like a million darts right through the chest.

"I know you like Logan, Alana."

"W-What, Logan's my best friend. That would just be weird."

"Oh god, don't pull that crap on me. I know you like him. It's too bad that he isn't into fatties like you. There's a reason why he was staring at_ me_ today and not you. Have you noticed why guys don't date girls with as much fat as you? It's because they don't want to been seen with massive lumps of fat clinging to their arms. Can you think of anything more disgusting than kissing a fat girl? Good thing _I_ don't have to deal with that problem. You, on the other hand…"

Tears sprang to her eyes, but she refused to cry in front of the three girls. Her whole body stiffened and started shaking slightly. She had absolutely no response to Jennifer's remarks. _It didn't help that she was right._

"Oh dear, I've said too much. Don't worry Alana; we'll get rid of all that fat soon enough. There's no need to give up. I'm signing you up for fat camp this summer, isn't that great!? You might come back even be skinnier than me!" Jennifer exclaimed with fake excitement.

"Oh Jennifer, she won't be there long enough to be that skinny. We will just have to sign her up for next summer as well, the poor thing," Brunette Jennifer said her voice oozing with false pity, the three girls walked away, smirking.

Alana lowered herself down onto one of the couches in the lobby, and buried her face in her Russian history textbook to hide the tears that had begun to fall.

Later that evening, the guys, Lucy, and Alana were all at the guys' apartment, having what Kendall and Logan had coined 'The Greatest Sleepover in the History of Forever'. Kendall's mom was visiting relatives in Minnesota with Katie, which meant that for the next two weeks, they had the place to themselves. They decided to have some fun, and invited the two girls over, and they had already planned a party which James and Carlos had insisted on naming 'Hollywood Super Party of Hollywood' for the next day.

The guys ordered four pizzas, which disappeared nearly as fast as they appeared. For the past three hours, they had competed against each other playing video games (which the guys had gotten a bit overexcited about), had popcorn fights, and played truth or dare.

Despite all of the commotion Logan had been watching Alana like a hawk for the past couple of hours, he had already realized that she wasn't eating properly, but she had chalked it up to high levels of stress and homework. But because the sleepover was completely stress and homework free, Logan made sure that she had eaten enough for the night. He had managed to get her to eat one slice of pizza, before the three over boys ate all the other slices. He tried to get her eat some pop corn, but she had already eaten too much. Due to her malnutrition and lack of calories in the past two weeks, her body wasn't used to eating such fatty and highly caloric foods.

They were all now sat on the orange couch, with blankets wrapped around their legs watching Batman: The Dark Knight. Carlos was passed out on the couch - oblivious to the world, which meant that Lucy just had to write something on his face. Kendall and James sat on either side of Lucy, who was fiddling with the ends of her hair, mildly interested in the movie. She would've preferred to watch something thrilling; the amount of action was boring her. Completely opposite to Logan, whose eyes were glued to the screen, while he stuffed a handful of pop corn into his mouth every now and again. Alana was curled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. She was staring at the TV, but like Lucy she was hardly focusing on the movie.

Towards the end of the movie, Alana noticed that everyone but Logan had fallen asleep. But he was so engrossed in the movie that he wouldn't even notice if the apartment was on fire, let alone her gone. She slowly got up from the couch and crept to the bathroom, shutting the door lightly behind her.

_"Finally ready to throw up, Alana?"_

She tied her hair up before slowly bending down and kneeling over the toilet. Her head was spinning; she felt dizzy and weaker than usual. Her hands were bluish at the fingertips and cold and pale everywhere else. _What was happening to me?_

_"It means you're on your way to beautiful-land. Soon you'll be just like the Jennifers, boys will like you, and Logan will love you like you love him, but not until you get serious about losing weight. Come on, fatass."_

"Alana!"

She vaguely heard Logan call her name, but she paid no mind. She shoved my head over the toilet again. _I had to do this! For the Jennifers. For Logan. For me._

_"Stop acting like it's such a big deal. Just do it. Lots of girls have done it before. I though you wanted to be pretty."_

"Alana! Batman's talking to the Joker!" Logan was calling her. She ignored him. She was lost in her own little world.

_"Come ON. Don't be a bitch." _

Alana was literally shaking. Tears were flooding her vision. She hesitantly moved her finger towards the back of her throat.

"Alana it's your favourite part!" Logan was calling her name again. She heard him start to walk over to the bathroom. "Alana!"

_"Hurry up! Don't let him catch you! Why are you such an idiot? Don't be a coward."_

"Alana, are you okay?!"

She saw a tear fall from her eye, and she pushed her finger farther back. _Why couldn't I do it?_ She shoved harder, and began to cough and gag. _Yes! Just a bit father!_

"_There we go, honey. There's a good girl. Come on, don't let me down._"

Alana felt her finger touch the back of her throat, and she began to retch violently. Bile sprang up from her throat, along with food from days ago.

"_Nice job, sweetie. Now do it again. Once won't cut it. You want to be pretty, don't you?"_

She moved her hand to her throat again, just as the bathroom door was flung open, and saw the shocked face of her best friend.

"Alana?"

**I hope you liked the chapter. As always, reviews are much appreciated.**

**WonderstruckEnchanted**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, or anything affiliated. **

**WARNING: May be triggering.**

Her head immediately snapped upwards and she looked into the shocked eyes of her best friend. They stared out each other for Alana what seemed like an eternity. Logan opened his mouth as if to say something, but instead shut it and walked right out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Tears sprung to her eyes almost immediately.

_"Forgot to lock the door, didn't we Alana? Did you see the look on Logan's face, he was utterly disgusted! Honestly, I would be too. He obviously doesn't care enough to stop you from forcing yourself to throw up. He probably even left so that you could finish what you started."_

Alana's breathing was ragged, and she could feel her heart beating much faster and harder in her chest than it should have. Logan, the one and only person whom she trusted wholeheartedly and had always completely confided in, had just as good as rejected her. _God, he probably thought I was a prissy little failure, having to resort to throwing up to lose weight. Oh god, his eyes had looked so revolted upon seeing me._

Alana suddenly became away of the rising murmur of voices out in the other room. _Damn, Logan was probably telling the rest of the guys and Lucy about me! No, no, no…_

_"And then they'll reject you just like Logan did."_

"Shut up." She whispered, her voice was raspy from the soreness of her throat. She couldn't let them see her like this.

"Logan get back in there and talk to her!" Lucy insisted.

"I can't!" He objected.

"You can't? What do you mean you can't?" James asked confused. "You're the one who wanted to be a doctor! Go and help her!"

"I'm too emotionally involved."

Kendall, took hold of Logan's shoulders, and looked him dead in the eye, "I know you're worried and scared, we all are, but if she's going to talk to anyone right now it's going to be you. You're the only one who can help her."

_"Hey fatass! Logan's coming back! Better throw up again before he catches you"._

Clutching the edges of the toilet for support, Alana managed to raise her weak and shaking body to a standing position. She teetered for a moment, trying to gain her balance. _I have to get to the door. I have to lock it._ She forced herself to move forwards. Her legs were shaking like anything, and she could barely make it over to the door, where she closed it and locked it. She sunk to the floor, and sat against the door. _I could hear their voices. _The sound of the lock on the bathroom door clicking, startled them all, and they all looked at each other, their eyes widened in horror before running to the bathroom.

"Alana?"

_Damn, that was Logan. I couldn't answer. I didn't want him to see me like this._

Alana arms could barely support the rest of her body, and the room started to blur and spin again. She felt desperately weak. Tears fell down her cheeks as pitiful sobs wracked her body.

Alana clapped her hands over her ears and groaned as the room started to spin around her again. A true wave of nausea hit her, and once again she was back over the toilet puking again. Her whole body was shaking with the effort, and to her absolute horror, she noticed that there was blood mixed in with the bile.

_"Doesn't that feel better now, sweetie? One step closer on the road to perfectness! Ignore the blood, it just means you're getting thinner faster. Come on, one more time. "_

"Alana! Open this door right now!"

That was James shouting. Alana almost laughed, she couldn't have opened the door even if she wanted to, which she didn't. She would not even of opened it if she had the strength. Her hands slipped from the toilet and she collapsed on the floor. The cold tile felt good against her cheek, and slowly she closed her eyes.

The door shook once, and she moaned softly, the harsh sound like a blow to her ears. It shook again, more violently.

"Alana!" Logan shouted frantically, tugging on the doorknob. She had locked it. "Why wasn't she answering? What if she had gone too far? What if…? I couldn't bear to think of anything happening to her."

"Logan! Calm down, it will be alright!" Lucy snapped impatiently.

"Alana! Open this door right now!" James roared. None of them had ever seen him that angry, but despite James' anger, Alana still didn't reply.

"Oh my god," Kendall whispered.

"We've got to bust down the door!" Carlos said, much too calmly for the situation. Logan nodded, not wanting to let the others hear how scared his voice would have sounded. Carlos suddenly ran forward and hit the door with all his might. The door rattled on its frame, but refused to budge. From inside the bathroom, they heard a weak moan, and their hearts almost broke. James flung himself against the door next, and to his relief, Logan saw a hinge come loose; however, the door still stood upright. In a fit of anger, James ran at the door again.

_"Get UP, you pathetic lump of FAT. DO something! Girls like you have thrown up tons of times without almost passing out. Why are you such a failure? You will NEVER amount to anything! You will NEVER be good enough for ANYONE! You will always be a failure."_

_The door suddenly burst open with a huge cracking sound, I saw Logan running towards me, while the others looked on as I slipped into a world of black._ Logan ran inside the bathroom, his heart pounding in his chest. There were drops of blood on the toilet, and around it, all over the floor. Alana was curled up on the corner of the floor, her eyes closed. It was almost as if she were asleep. He ran to her and knelt down beside her.

"Alana?" He gently placed his hand on her cheek. Due to warmth radiating from his body, she responded, her eyes fluttered open weakly, before closing again.

"No Alana, please stay with me!" he almost cried out. She looked like a living corpse.

Lucy stared at Alana's seemingly lifeless face; she was lying on the bathroom floor. Her eyes scanned the room, taking in everything at once: the vomit in the toilet, the head that seemed much too large for the emaciated body that was barely supporting it. It didn't take her long to realise what was going on; she did have her suspicions after all. She fled the bathroom and ran to the kitchen where she bent her head over the sink trying to make sense of everything that had happened. Constantly wondering to herself how had she not noticed Alana before?

"Shit," she muttered. She momentarily buried her face in her hands. She raised her head up towards the ceiling, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"James, call 911! Carlos, get a blanket!" Logan was issuing out commands, his tone sharp. He gently lifted Alan into his arms, and was shocked by how light she felt in his arms. He could feel her shoulder blades right through the thin fabric of her shirt; he hugged her closer to his chest.

Lucy suddenly came up to him, and carefully and delicately wrapped a blanket around Alana, whose body was as cold as ice. Logan looked up into Lucy's eyes, they were blank, and her cheeks stained with tears. "She'll be fine," he whispered, attempting to reassure her.

"I should be saying that to you, not the other way around," Lucy responded, her voice slightly shaking from emotion. They both looked down at Alana's pale face. Her eyes opened slowly, and they both prayed it wouldn't be for the last time.

"Sorry," she whispered, and he held her tighter. What she was sorry for, he had no idea.

"Its okay, Ally," He told her softly. "You're going to be okay."

"Paramedics are here," James called, and Logan held Alana tighter, determined not to lose her as they all rushed downwards to the hotel lobby.

**WonderstruckEnchanted**


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